We all have them.
The unresponsive friend.
The type that proclaims they are “too busy” to reply to texts, emails and phone calls. They are the type of friend in which, as the kids say these days, they leave you on “read.” You enjoy talking to them and spending time with them, in those rare moments when they make themselves available. You don’t have much negative to say about them. They may even consider themselves a decent or good friend to you; but, you’re always chasing them. They may go days or weeks without returning your text or phone call. They’re frequently committing to things, then backing out. You’ve “rescheduled” getting together multiple times. This is an unresponsive friend, and you’re chasing them.
Side Note Tangent: People who proclaim they are “too busy,” are almost always not busy at all (though they may have irrationally convinced themselves they are), but instead, they are undisciplined, lacking in time management skills, and have priorities that revolve entirely around themselves..
I am going to address the issue of unresponsive friends in two different ways. First, I am going to share the advice I would give to most anyone in my counsel. Next, I am going to explain my unique situation with unresponsive friends and share how I have handled it in the past and how I plan to now and in the future. My own situation will be one that most of you won’t be able to relate to, though few who can may find it useful.
Unresponsive friends is a growing problem in our society. We have more ways than ever to communicate. We have all types of advancements that free up our time, making the tasks of daily living take far less time than at any point in history. Our jobs offer more flexibility than at any point in history, and in fact we have government mandated breaks during our workdays. There is simply no excuse for someone to be consistently unresponsive to their friends. It is a selfish, extremely selfish, way of living.
First, I want to make sure we are on the same page in terms of what is an unresponsive friend. This does not include the friend that is going through a rough time in life and may be emotionally unable to handle things, or has other temporary circumstances leading them to, well, be a bad communicator and bad friend. This is solely for the person who is consistently unresponsive. Know someone who says, “I am bad at responding to texts?” I am talking about those people. These are people you’ve known for a long period of time that are almost always slow to response and generally lacking in being present in your life (be that physically being there or emotionally being there).
What should you do with unresponsive friends?
You’ll see a lot of advice type blogs that will have quotes about how you should eliminate these people from your life. I won’t go to that extreme. There are few circumstances in which I would encourage someone to eliminate someone from their life. However, it is important that you understand what type of friend these unresponsive friends really are, have proper expectations to fit that, and that you stop chasing them and put that time and energy towards healthier and more enriching friendships.
Unresponsive friends can still have a place in your life. Some of them may be people that you may rarely hear back from, but when worst came to worst, if you texted and said you needed them, they’d be there. Those friends have a role in your life, but keep them in that role. Be there for them when they are in need, be vulnerable enough to reach out to them when you are in need (assuming they do consistently respond in those situations), but don’t spend much time initiating conversations, replying to their social media, or worrying about spending time with them and nor trying to involve them in social situations.
Change your expectations of unresponsive friends
Having the proper expectations of unresponsive friends is important. If you text or call them, don’t expect to hear back. They are selfish. There may be moments in which they are capable of being unselfish, but for the most part, their world revolves around them. Expect little of these type of friends. They aren’t currently capable of being a good friend, you know that, they consistently demonstrate it, so place proper expectations on them and their friendship. In those moments you do need them, make sure you communicate it clearly. Most people, no matter how unresponsive, will respond when they see you through the bat signal up over Gotham.
Stop initiating communication with unresponsive friends.
If you have something to share or communicate, don’t go out of your way not, but make a decision that this is a friend you won’t be chasing, a friend you won’t be going out of your way to keep trying to initiate communication with. Some of these people will eventually re-prioritize their live, they may develop better communication skills and start to value people and relationships more and begin to initiate communication with you. They may start to be present in your life. Some of them, without you consistently initiating communication, may drift away and out of your life. Let them go.
Unresponsive friends drain you of energy, they cause frustration, and they aren’t capable of offering much of value as a friend. Don’t toss them to the side, don’t give up all hope that they might one day became a better person, but do yourself a favor and stop chasing them.
_______________________________________________________________
Part 2: My Situation with Unresponsive Friends
This is the part that many of you won’t be able to relate to. If you can’t relate to it, revert back to the advice in the above section.
I am a leader. I am a dominate leader and personality. There are not a lot of circumstances in which I am in a setting or situation in which I am not the leader or dominate personalty. The acceptation to that is within my family in which roles are defined by relationship (Parents > Children, Older Sibling > Younger Sibling) and age.
In addition to being a dominate leader, I am a relationship builder. I value relationships. I value communication. Though I may at times be low on energy or feeling down in life, and though at times life can get busy, I always prioritize people and relationships above all else. There are times in which my commitment to live life in that way is not to my benefit, but I refuse to live any other way (I should also mention that I am stubborn).
Given the above information about my personality type, it should not surprise you that I am the leader in most of my friendships. I initiate almost all communication. I am the first to reach out. I am the first to give. I am the one (most) concerned with the status of and development of the friendship. I am the one (most) concerned with being of value and being present without fail.
I did an experiment a year or two ago. For two weeks, I stopped initiating any communication with any of my friends. (*Note – I don’t recommend this. In hindsight, its not a righteous thing to do to experiment with friendships in such a way).
When I stopped initiating communication with friends, the results were pretty much what you would expect. It was a lonely two weeks, and few friends reached out. There were a few friends that noticed I had not initiated any communication and, realizing a change in the communication within the friendship, they reached out. Those 2-3 friends are among my best friends today. However the bulk of the people that I had been consistently initiating communication with, not only did I not hear from them but almost all did not notice I was not present nor communicating during that time.
We do have to look at my little experiment through a bit of a filter. I was the initiator, in every relationship, of communication in my friendships. It is unlikely that you or most people are in such a situation. Most people have a mixture in that they may be the initiator of communication in some friendships, they may rarely be the initiator in others, and most have a healthy blend of the two. It is not reasonable for me to dominate the role of initiator of communication in my friendships, and then be upset or surprised when friends disappear when I seize that roll for a few weeks. Nonetheless, it was eye opening.
I would like to reiterate again that my situation is different than most everyone else. With that said, here is how have decided to start dealing with unresponsive friends:
Don’t cut out all of your unresponsive friends from your life.
I won’t be chasing as many unresponsive friends, though, I’ll still chase a few. That would seem to go against my previous advice of encouraging people to stop chasing unresponsive friends and let them drift away, but my calling is a bit different. My calling is in ministry. My calling is in building relationships (ultimately to help bring people closer to Jesus). The majority of my friends that I would place in the category of unresponsive friends are also my “lost” friends. For most, this is not a “lost” to mean they are living terrible lives, breaking laws and not contributing to society, but lost in that their priorities in life are very obviously off, and they are very much in need of a presence in their life to model a different way of being, a presence in their life that can encourage and help guide them to a more righteous way of living. Most of my friends accept, and in fact expect, my guidance in that way. Though, for the bulk of you reading this, if you tried to be a friend in that way, you’d get unfriended on Facebook pretty quickly.
While I will still continue to chase some of my unresponsive friends, because I feel it is part of my calling, I will most certainly be spending less time doing so and I will relieve myself from unmet expectations by stopping myself from expecting better of these unresponsive friends. They’ve proven they don’t value communication, don’t value relationships (most of the time), and the hard truth, they don’t value me all that much. However, I will still be there for them, and I’d gladly open up more of my time to them should they ever change their ways.
Do you have unresponsive friends in your life? Take a moment to think about that question. Think about who those friends might be. Make a decision of whether or not you should continue to chase them, or if you should allow them to drift away and focus more of your time on the friendships that are healthier and more enriching.
Stop chasing unresponsive friends, they are headed down a different track than you.
– K.P. Kelly
Follow Me on Instagram: @KP_Kelly
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pizza 
Stumbled onto this while searching for friendship advice when dealing with a friend whose actions dont match her words, who sends me links and attachments but will kor respond when I try to initiate real conversation…I am guessing she has some kind of an avoidance thing…but good grief I could guess until the cows come home and it we could drive me mad LOL. I am trying bgg yo be graceful, I too am a Christian and in leadership….the one who initiates the contact in most friendships. This one is interesting though as she sends me other people’s writings but avoids using her own communication. Anyway, this was helpful in reminding me I am not the only one with such situations and I was super stoked when you confirmed your calling because I was suspecting it as I was reading.
Thanks. And Blessings.
LikeLike
Learning how to let go … Thank you, helpful, well written.
LikeLike
Thank you for this article. It gave me new perspective on unmet expectations from Christians who I wished would have reached out to me out during a time of healing. I learned through this time, however, how important it is to do something tangible for someone rather than just say, I’ll pray for you, but show up in a physical way of some sort. And so I’m praying that I will be an instrument of God’s care in the future to others who need it and come out of my comfort zone to do something tangible in expressing my love and concern for another. In the meantime, let my disappointment be the catalyst in doing so
LikeLike
Never chase a person, because if they want to be in your life, they will. It amazes me how people go out their way for someone who does nothing for them, doesn’t encourage or support their efforts. Stop seeking attention from people who don’t give you the time of day. Value your time, comfort your spirit, have peace of mind. There are people who love you and care about you.Give your smiles to them, Reciprocate!
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing the very rational advise. It makes me wonder how many of us are dealing with this, maybe for different reasons. But its a comfort knowing I’m not the only one. I found myself always being the initiator too. I started to think maybe its something I’m doing. Or I’m just weird for wanting to connect. But after reading this helps confirm my theory.
LikeLike
It is truly heartbreaking sometimes to see those who would so quickly disappear from our lives if we stopped non-stop initiating. But, most, most of them are people we should let go. That said, some will be worth never letting go of, and even knowing the frustration and seemingly one-sided friendship at times, there’s a few in our lives, that we love, that love us in their own perhaps limited way, that we should keep initiating.
LikeLike
I was googling this very thing, specifically. This was refreshing to know Im not alone. I have lived far away from family and near family. I thought when i lived far 10 hrs from the nearest family member, i longed for their closeness. It felt was unnatural. After moving back closer. I feel conflicted. They dont reach out or include me in much but psychologically their close by. Their lack of contact exacerbates my loneliness at times. I want to go back to where i used to live which would be far from anyone i know. However, I have also realized that this is a growing trend. Making friends is not easy as it used to be. People are more self absorbed and narcissistic. The real truth is if we connected more we would be happier. individuals Doing for others and being with others takes our mind off of our problems and ourselves; allows us to give and to get from others. Conversing is an exchange of ideas and information that can be helpful. I think we underestimate the value of human contact and interaction.
I totally agree with your perspective in the second scenario. I keep in contact with the elders in my family that i have recently met. I don’t expect them to reach out. to me. However they more vital members of my family i don’t reach out to. I feel we have the same 24 hours in a day. We speak to those we choose to give our time to. In most cases its not me. The elders give me wisdom and their response to my calls make me feel good that im doing something for someone else. Instead of just being concerned with myself. Im struggling to accept that i although i enjoy my time with my elders i would love to hang around people closer to my age. but they seem so fickle its exhausting. Ive retreated to the idea of not putting so much emphasis on it; show love to those around me. Learn to enjoy my life as is and what i sow i will reap eventually.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing. I think we all, even the most unresponsive people in the world, have people in our life that we wish were more responsive. We all have some people we should probably let go of. And we all have a person or two we should fight more to keep.
LikeLike
I’m not much of a person who seeks advice on the internet but this article has honestly changed my life! Sick of being the imitator and the chaser of everything!
In a world where making contact with anyone is easy and can take a second true friends truly have no excuse! It’s amazing how something as simple as stepping back and seeing who are the real people in your life can be so rewarding! I’ve cut contact with so many people and it’s the best thing I ever did!
I lost my father on Xmas day 2020 and that was a turning point as the people that reached out to me are the people who have been there during a dark period of my life and friends of years barely even acknowledge you being in pain!
This article is an eye opener and cutting people out of your life is not a bad thing! I don’t waste my time on anyone anymore and I’m happier for it!
I still read your article from time to time when I wonder why I did it but it reminds me it’s been the best decision!
LikeLike
Thank you for reading this article and sharing your experience with unresponsive friends. I am actually writing a follow-up to it tonight. I will share the link when I do. Of all my articles, this is the most read. 2+ years later, it still gets 200+ clicks from google searches per day and I get 1-2 emails per week about it. The one thing I will say is, there are a few, a very small few, that are worth chasing. The ones you love. There might be times you need to pause the chase, for your mental health, but there are a few that are worth never giving up on, no matter how one-sided the relationship may seem at times. Though, it is a different type of “chase.” It is more always making sure it is clear that you’re there for them, that you’re thinking of them, etc. My fear in writing this popular blog post is that people use it as an excuse to push away those they love. The ones you love, you never stop fighting for them.
LikeLike
Wow. This really hit home for me . Except that the unresponsive friend is my best friend of 50+ years . She recently retired ,left her significant other ( bad relationship ) and moved from 200 miles away from me to less than a mile away. She is living alone , so I frequently call , text and invite her to supper , outings etc . It has always been the 3 of us , her and me and my husband , so that is not an issue . She has not initiated a call or text once since moving here 4 months ago .i went through every text this am . She is going away for the weekend , to her sons house . Never told me or asked me to feed her cats .I find her to be incredibly selfish . Never pays for anything , brings anything when she comes for dinner , never offers to help , just sits around and waits for me to wait on her . Doesn’t even make a cup of tea when I’m at her house , I have to make it for both of us !
Should I just give her her space and wait for her to call me or text me ? I have brought this to her attention , how she never answers her phone or texts me back . It hasn’t made a difference . I am really heartbroken that this is happening after 50 plus years.
LikeLike
My friend regularly doesn’t bother to respond to my texts. I see her and she berates herself to me but nothing changes. I want to connect. She obviously doesn’t.
We, all the time, give out (energetically) who we truly are, whether we realise it or not. And I am an antenna for this stuff!!! Thank you for your words.
I shall love her from a distance…
Thank you, too, for sharing your story. It gave me comfort as I, too, discovered where I stood in my life the year after I had a major psychological breakdown. (This, in hindsight, was actually the beginning of my own awakening though I did not know it at the time!)
I left what I now call my ‘old life’ (family, friends, working colleagues, etc.) behind and went traveling the country.
Over the next 12 months my phone stayed absolutely silent. Not a single call or text! NOT ONE! The message was clear. Not a single person cared if I was even alive or dead. This turned out to be a strangely free-ing experience!
And so.. as a result, I lost my own inherited narcissistic sense of self-importance. This was a good thing.
Yes, I ‘d like to say I’m done chasing these unresponsive, narcissistic people. I know I deserve better than that dark, heavy, draining energy in my life. But, I do expect to continue to encounter them, as they are out there in increasing number.
I realise I can’t avoid them.. but I can recognise them and learn to protect myself from the harm they do. That will require more self-love on my part.
And I’m working on that.
Thank you!
Namaste. 🙏
LikeLike
Antonia, I am sorry you went through that ! keep your hope that you WILL meet people who are genuine and care about you one day.
LikeLike
Beautiful. I highly recommend reading “Should I stay or should I go” by Ramani Durvasula. It is eye opening to the many red flags of narcissism. I don’t know if I would equate unresponsive-ness to being narcissistic, but it is definitely a person who will not return your energy.
LikeLike
Wow, just found this article and really needed to hear this. I’ve been struggling this past year with a lot of change such as a new job and church but in the last 6 months have really made an effort to keep in touch with people with very little responsiveness from almost everyone. Not just texting but calling and really attempting to communicate verbally and meet with people in person. What has been truly heartbreaking is that I had cancer several years ago and people who were very supportive during that time such as praying and visiting with me in the hospital during surgery are not even returning my calls now. I have tried to give people the benefit of the doubt since it’s been a difficult year from everyone but now I’m just hurt and angry as to why I’m not hearing back from them. At this point I think all I can do is move forward and let go of people who have made no effort and keep fighting for the ones I can.
LikeLike
There are many reasons I value a furbaby in my life over friends or family. People always let you down.
LikeLike
Yes, same here. Our little fur babies are always happy to see us
LikeLike
Whilst I agreed with most of this, Because I am the unresponsive friend in the situation I’ve found myself in, I’m the unresponsive friend being chased because the person just doesn’t understand HER role in the friendship, I am not selfish, in the slightest and that was what annoyed me about this post, it is not selfish if the unresponsive friend says no to meeting up every single bloody week to natter about anything and everything because I want to spend my time doing better things, it isn’t selfish to not respond sometimes because we don’t owe anybody anything, and if anything the unresponsive friend is acting the way she/he does because she/he doesn’t really value the friendship at all, and has other friendships that holds value. You agree in one paragraph about people accepting their rule, I agree with this. Some people are too clingy, too chasey, too unemployed to understand that maybe you literally just want to be on your own or spend time with someone you value a lot on your one day off. It all comes down to not really being interested in the friendship, I would quite happily text my friend and be there in my times if need, but she isn’t a best friend or someone I could devote my time too, maybe that’s a conversation that needs to be had? Which is had done already before and she couldn’t accept it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Part of the key to this is sharing your communication boundaries, and letting others know when they cross them. Sometimes the clingy people who nag you non-stop are people who aren’t good people for you to be close to. Other times, they are just unaware of your boundaries, and once communicated, though that process might be awkward, they may adjust. In terms of people, you don’t devote your time to, it is fine to have people in your life that you rarely ever communicate with but that you’ll be there for if needed. I find that group of people in my life expanding. Also, as interacting on social media becomes a way of life, they’ll be people we might communicate with via social media very frequently, but in no way consider ourselves actually close to them. But for the most part, the unresponsive people will fall into a category of people in which we should let go.
LikeLike
Did you actually explain that to your friend? Or did you just ghost her. That’s selfish and cowardly. Just say you’re busy atm and you’ll text back/email/message/whatever when you get a chance. If she asks to meet up, do you tell her you’d like to spend your one day off with someone else? If you’re not communicating anything to her then how are you going to be bitter at this article? You’re part of the problem.
LikeLike
Going through that now. Called her up, wanted to let her know that I wont be messaging her for a while because I am working on myself. In those 5 months no calls/texts/visits. Text her because heard she broke up with the douche she was dating, we talked for a month and hung out a few times. After that told her i’ll contact her in a few months, she said “no stay in touch. Call and text me and I will call and text you” in an annoyed voice because she hates when I dissapear for long stretched, I said “Ok, in a few months, geez”, it’s been 8 months now and no word from her lol. It’s always me and it’s annoying, i’ve told her a few times why she totally drops me from her life all the time like this and she just says “It’s who I am, not wanting to offend anyone but I don’t communicate even if I don’t hear from anyone again, I still love them anyway”, but she was only this way until she met that douche boyfriend almost 3 years ago. Before that she was fine, and she still sticks around her other friends. So…it’s just me personally. I am not toxic at all either, I am always supportive and try push her to improve, well I did when we talked all the time.
Thinking about messaging her soon and atleast asking why she no longer wants me around anymore.
LikeLike
I would do same. Wouldn’t reply to you. You told her to leave you alone. You’re selfish and just expect someone to be there for you when you return? It’s mainly your ‘tude that gets me. No empathy at all for your friends needs. Next, anyone? No thanks.
LikeLike
I don’t know all of the subtle nuances in your situation, but as they say, it’s all in the delivery.
Some people are going to take when you say you’re not going to contact them for several months to mean that you don’t want any contact from them either. Most likely, they feel that they don’t want to bother you, since you are working on yourself, as you say, so they will hang and wait for you to call/text them again. I personally, don’t want to bother anyone. And if someone said to me what you said to this person, I would take it as such. They naturally backed off, waiting for the time that you are wanting to make contact with them again. It’s a perfectly natural response, I’m not that strange at all.
And why would you want to receive messages from them if you just stated to them that you were not going to contact them for several months? If they did send you a message within that timeframe, would you have responded? I personally would’ve felt that I was breaching a boundary that you had set if I contacted you at all, because you made it seem that you didn’t want any contact.
Anyways, there’s more than one way to view this situation, and if this person is a close friend, then I would give them the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to a miscommunication and difference of styles of communication imho. Take care.
LikeLike
This was so well put! I actually relate to your personality so I understand completely!!! Dominant personality and leader. This is great advice and I needed the reassurance.
LikeLike
This post really resonated with me.
Since this covid nightmare me and what was close friends have very much drifted apart it taught me during lockdown that there is only so much my friends would actually do for me and made me re-evaluate if they truly are friends that actually match my core beliefs of what friends should be.
I have 1 particular friend that can take over 10/12 hours to respond to messages this is despite seeing that they are on-line and it becomes clear thar they are actively ignoring me and talking to others who they value more despite many years of friendship.
LikeLike
same thing has happened to a lot of people. But whether it’s covid or some other type of mini-collapse, the circumstances have only brought out the worst in these people. just consider they’ve done you a favor. Imagine having wasted time and energy for another 30 years only for them to abandon you then. I think there’s loads of genuine people out there who could make better friends
LikeLike
Have a long time friend who quickly responds to others but not me. I don’t get it and about to give up
LikeLike
I really enjoyed this post. I needed this validation today. I have a best friend whom I value very much, but they never make time to message me back or get together. She always blames it on her ADHD or that she’s going through a hard time. I get it and I’ve been understanding for so long, but I can’t continue to be here when she’s ready because I need her. I need more from this friendship and I’m not getting it. I’ve been patient for well over a year and I’m just tired of being left on read, blown off, and ignored. It is just so hard to let go of someone who is so important to me and I love dearly, but I think our friendship has run its course. I never seen her as selfish because I’ve been making excuses for her for so long, but you’re right, she is selfish.
LikeLike
Hi Molly. I also know someone like this who constantly brings up ADHD as her excuse! I don’t know if I even believe it any more.
This person I know appears to be quite smart but appears to be dominated by some quite obnoxious (though initially subtle) habits when it comes to behaviour around other people. The hard bit is I’ve witnessed that she can be amazingly engaging (until that person’s usefulness has expired, it appears), which I imagine can leave someone who cares about her wondering “why not be that engaging with me?”.
From what I can gather she also appears to leave an unreasonable amount of people-interaction destruction in the wake behind her. I think at some point life will force her to stop hiding behind the “ADHD” excuse. In the meantime you may have to just step back for your own peace of mind.
LikeLike
I arrived at your post after searching duckduckgo search engine for “when friends get too busy to bother to reply to you”. I did this search as I’ve taken the initial pain and loneliness that comes with not continuously being the initiator of contact with these people. There is an intial price to pay! The upside (as you confirm here) is I free myself up from worrying about this stuff and create more space in my life for people who value reciprocation and being present when it comes to communication.
I think your reflections and advice on this are very well balanced and reasonable. Many other posts out there on this topic seem to throw the baby out with the bath water and use a heck of a lot of unhelpful (if not very destructive) psycho-babble type labelling of people (EG “narcisist”, “toxic” etc etc).
In my case, many of the “friends” and family members who do this stuff (IE never or very very seldomly initiate contact with me) are self described Christians of the pentecostal variety. To be fair, many are also not. I say this in response to your suggestion that it’s mostly “lost” people who do this, which seemed to me to strongly suggest those without the Christian faith. A couple of common personallity traits of the “Christians” who do this is they tend to quite showy people (centre of attention types) and come across as very assured of their own importance. A few do indeed seem to come from “train wreck” (to varying degrees) upbringings.
Thanks for this helpful and I believe reasonable post!
LikeLike
If someone doesn’t respond that means they aren’t interested. Anything other than a yes is a no, 99% of the time. Just move on. I don’t know why this is so hard for people. The average friendship only lasts 10 years anyway.
LikeLike
I found this when googling on unresponsive friends. I have to say that people these days are kings and queens on the ghosting-thing. It´s like they have no idea how to communicate at all so they just ghost so you “get the hint” eventually. The problem I have is that I always wondering if it might be a misunderstanding or if they truly are ghosting? I guess if there was a real misunderstanding, they would ask at some point, but it´s just like a dead end. Very sad indeed.
LikeLike
Thank you. It’s good to be validated that I’m not the only one dealing with this painful situation.
I also relate to being dominant and devoted in all my relationships (it is important for me so I take action…).
My problem is that I’m also experiencing acute fear of being alone. If I stop chasing them I’m having less (to none) activities and feel very lonely and abandoned. I am single and working half time job so I have the free time. But some have free time too and still they don’t reach out.
It helps me to go to sharing groups, but yet, I feel anxious about not having true and supportive friends.
I’m not sure how to break the circle because I’m trying for years to build healthy mutual connections but without success. I have good personality traits, I’ve gone through emotional and spiritual processes and I can give people a feeling of security and empathy. I feel valued as a person but not as a friend if that makes sense. Maybe it’s the dynamic, maybe I’m attracted to avoidant people. I’m very confused about this pattern and why it happens so consistently.
My therapist told me that they wouldn’t meet me if they didn’t want to. This is true but not enough for me. My need is to have mutual and equal relationships.
I’m in a lot of pain about the situation of people not initiating face to face meetings. For some I’m good for sharing on the phone, but they will meet their other friends. I feel frustration and despair about the situation. The only way I can think of is to surrender to God, as I’m powerless over those feelings of both loneliness (if I don’t chase them) and feeling rejected and unseen (if I do). I sense that there is a deep spiritual lesson about expectations.
If you have more advice how you deal with the loneliness when you stop chasing them I would be grateful.
LikeLike
Wow you have two or three friends who contacted you when you stopped contacting people for 2 to 3 weeks? Do you realize how incredibly Lucky You are? My own mother doesn’t do this. And I live 2000 miles away from her and have no other contact with her. I could be lying on the floor dead for 2 weeks and she would not contact me to find out why I haven’t been in touch with her she would just be glad she doesn’t have to talk to me (ok, maybe she wouldn’t be glad, but she certainly wouldn’t stop to think about how long it’s been since she’s heard from me until it gets to like, 3-4 months. I’d also like to add that I live alone I’ve never been married and I have no children so it’s not like my mom thinks oh well her spouse lives there with her or her kids are in touch with her on a daily basis. No one is in touch with me on a daily basis. Throughout my entire adult life and I’m 53 so we are talking about 35 years now, throughout 35 years often I will do what you did: go for 2 to 3 weeks without contacting anyone to see if anyone contacts me. And consistently no one contacts me. Not a soul. Unless you consider telemarketing or reminder calls for appointments contacting me. But as far as someone who appreciates me who has any type of affection for me no no one calls no one texts no one comes by I have no communication with anyone unless I initiate it. This includes my blood family. So you’re really lucky man. I wish I was you
LikeLike
Thanks. Good info. I learned to stop chasing quite awhile ago. I did it far too long.
What I’m trying to figure out is what to do when one of the bad communicators suddenly communicates. The communication was shallow as well. My feelings are hurt and I don’t want to respond. Childish? As a Christian I know we are to forgive. I don’t hate this person but I kind of want us to either really talk or forget about it.
I’m confused and sad. Not overly sad… I know most people really are selfish and I’ve learned to live with it.
LikeLike
I feel your question hasn’t been answered, hope someone will, because I have the same question.
LikeLike
Just wanting to share this as I hope it can be helpful to someone.
I think various factors can come into play here. (Just highlighting a few of many possibilities): One is that too many people have complicated their lives with busyness. They are too busy to invest in things that really should matter. I think another aspect is selfishness or laziness or a combination of both. And, of course, sometimes life just takes over. It’s a little more difficult to juggle meet ups when you get married, have kids, work, etc. (difficult, but not impossible).
No matter how busy life becomes I think it’s important to always make time for our friends. And our friends should always make time for us.
I think we can make a major mistake in thinking that a friend not initiating must mean they don’t enjoy the friendship or don’t wish to be friends. They may appreciate the friendship very much, but are fine with waiting for you to initiate.
A friendship should be a two-way street. And, in a perfect world it would be. But, the world isn’t perfect and people aren’t perfect either. We’re not helped by movies that perfect friendships on screen …where there’s a BFF for life and both people are always including each other, hanging out and making plans. I’m sure that happens for some people, but it seems that’s rarer than we’d like to think.
Yes, in a friendship both people should be reaching out, making plans, staying connected. You can be the ideal best friend, be loved dearly by the other person, meet up with the other person if plans are made, but your friend could still go silent if you don’t initiate. Again, that doesn’t mean they don’t want you as a friend because your phone goes silent, although it can become frustrating if you’re the one feeling like you’re always the one having to reach out.
Also, so many people don’t seem to practice friend etiquette. They don’t put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They aren’t as conscientious. They don’t go the extra mile to make plans. And, the busier they get, the more glaring the issue becomes.
It seems much harder to find people who exhibit the characteristics of a true friend. These people are like diamonds in the rough…a rarer find. They are much more thoughtful and conscientious and make time for others. They put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They reach out more often. They are usually the ones having to make the plans and initiate. They tend to be more focused on the needs of others, not just their own needs. They also, unfortunately, can be taken for granted. And, a lot of times when they stop initiating hoping the other person will pick up the ball and initiate for once, nothing more happens until they pick up the phone and start initiating again.
My theory is that as our world becomes more busy and self-centered, and as the superficiality of surface-type communications via social media take on more of a role, this lack of etiquette has worsened. It seems because of these realities, that if one stops chasing after friends, there would be next to no one left , as a huge percentage of people that don’t initiate probably wouldn’t start once you stop. Maybe this isn’t true, but it seems like there are more non-initiators in friendships than initiators.
Yes, some people may need to be cut out of your life, but many shouldn’t be. However, you’ll probably still be the one initiating if you continue the friendship.
People have to consistently make an effort in friendships, and although it should always be two-sided (a give and take) it usually is imbalanced, unfortunately.
Bottomline: Everyone should strive to be a good friend. Everyone should strive to be more selfless, giving, and conscientious. Friendships take work and involve a certain level of commitment and sacrifice. It is an investment of time and care.
Those who understand this also understand the following:
“A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have.”
LikeLike
l get it, but I’ll bet all the people who are complaining about people not calling them, initiated the friendship. What would they do if someone initiated a friendship with them, and after ___ amount of time, they realized they didn’t have the same amount of interest in the friendship as the person who initiated it.
Maybe they didn’t share many of the same interests or values or sense of humor. What to do then? Call them up, meet for coffee and kindly, gently tell them “Look, it’s over. It’s run it’s course, please never call me again.” ?
It’s really a tough situation.
LikeLike
Yes, that is exactly what the mature thing to do would be, as difficult as it may be.
LikeLike
Good article. I have a long distance friend and had email contact for a long time. But now my friend first respond with all kind of interesting questions and when I answer them, she completely ignores it.
I can resend an email for 5 or 6 times and if I have an answer it’s like ‘I was busy’ or ‘I lost it in all my email’.
I don’t understand this behaviour. In the past it always was a normal email conversation. Now I don’t know what to think about it.
It’s like talking to a friend, who sudenly walks away during a very interesting conversation.
What should I do?
LikeLike
Found you tonight. Tired of being the ‘chatty one’ initiating emails and receiving <2% feedback. Neighbour emailed, "Was I all right?, "Have I offended you?", "Did you have your groceries delivered today?" all in one day.
I've backed-off as … "Some people speak to you, so they can talk about you".
Another email swiftly followed, "Are you all right to get me some money from the bank?" (she reimburses through bank transfer).
Ahhh ….she wanted something from me, that's why I heard from her.
LikeLike
excellent post…
I’ve known a friend from a long time (20+ years), he would always call when he’s in need (depressed, confused, in need of advice / encouragements). I would always make time for him, by listening / talking / cheering him up.
However ,he doesn’t seem to do that in return. A few instances ,where I tried talking about my stuff, he either checked out or didnt seem interested to listen. This really upsets me, i guess i should adopt your approach by “stop chasing him”, i probably wont cut him out of my life, but I can really see that his life resolves around him, and only him… i am just someone that he can use to dump stuff on when in need…
Sucks, because too many people are like this these days…
LikeLike
I found this post after searching for how to deal with people who are angry that you missed their phonecall this morning (and want an explanation every time you phone them back after missing a call)..
I hope you have a post about how to set boundaries with clingy people. I need to get free of somebody who expects me to be available to her 24/7. She is illiterate so I can’t text her and I am her only friend so she expects a lot of my time and I usually give in, and it’s too much for me. I taught her how we can leave eachother voicemails on Whatsapp for times that we miss each others calls but she has never bothered to open it to listen to my messages.
Sometimes if I miss her six phonecalls I wait a day to phone her back just because I need to prepare myself to be growled at over missing her calls again and have to explain what I was doing at time she phoned me.
According to your post I am the selfish, unresponsive friend, though, and my clingy friend would agree with you. I should just be less selfish, right?
Some “friends” are just a BURDEN. I wish she would go and worship Jesus instead of expecting me to fill a hole in her heart.
LikeLike
I found this looking for advice on how to tell folks I cannot message them 24 hours a day as well! I guess I am the ‘unresponsive friend’. Having poor time management skills and too many commitments doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a person with poor time management skills and too many commitments. I’m not a fan of this article. I think claiming that ‘the unresponsive friend’ is a selfish person is incredibly immature. Maybe it was written from the perspective of a very young person? I hope that doesn’t come off as rude, I have just noticed younger adults tend to be way more involved in the every-day goings on of each other’s lives than older folks. Most people my age would rather hang out in person anyways. Or maybe I’m wrong and I’ll figure out how to be a less shitty ass friend in therapy. Time will tell.
LikeLike
Hi Mason, looks like the article hit a nerve for you. I am 51 years old, and too many time people makes excuses saying they forgot, too busy… but the truth is, if someone really dear to them calls, they pick up…. what happen if later on that person who tries to call you is your own children and you say due to bad time management, I didn’t reply? Would that make you selfish and unreliable? There’s no excuses to ghost someone you say you care for for weeks or even months!
LikeLike
I think the article is not for parasite friends who bugs you multiple time a day, more like I call once a week, or every other week to have some news, and the person is ghosting you.
It seem like you are fed up with that friend, have you tried for a change to pick up and returning the call right away instead of let it ring for multiple time? Going out for a coffee and explain the situation?
LikeLike
What bothers me is when a friend initiates the conversation and I am texting back and forth with them in a conversation, then suddenly they just don’t respond, even to a question. My question just sits there in cyber world, unanswered. Also, there is no follow up comment later. Definitely ghosting. It’s so hard to understand because this is coming from a friend that I’ve known for a long time, and she initiated the conversation. I’m kind of afraid to respond much to any of her future texts because I’ll be feeling like she just walked away again with me essentially talking to the wall.
LikeLike
Found your post on friendship issues interesting.
Also found it comically interesting , the irony that one would point out most the struggles with friends are often due to selfishness , the ” it’s all about me ” parigdime, and then to adress your experience with your ” experiment ” saying that this is something most of us wouldn’t go through .
That this is more rare and unique ” aka , special ”
All in all , yes . Its draining to be the initiator . Also , considering oneself the ” dominant ” character , as you always initiate .
Well , if your chasing after others , your following them.
Its not a ” leader ” position.
All I am trying to point out .
Is that it always , near always , about us , ourselves. And our own own,mess.
Everyone is trying to figure things out , some friendships fit , some don’t.
And your right. Not all of us are where others are in life .
Yet , to infir constant self awareness and dominance on your own part .
I’d suggest to temper that notion with some humility .
” do not compare yourself to others , less you grow bitter and vain . For always there are greater and lesser than us ”
Each of us , is product of our individual environment and circumstance , each slightly different , yet still intertwined .
Consider the study of a Celtic knott .
I belive we are like this .
A friendship should not be about who leads or follows . It’s about mutual respect , and an ebb and flow of interactions through life .
Someone said to me once it’s a ” ready made world ” food on demand , stuff on demand .. technology, all these things.
Want it , want it now .
Life isn’t actually like that .
I belive the problems in the world global , and individual. Much resides in lack of patience, lack of balance and unreasonable expectations.
There are no easy answers , no quick fixes . Life and learning .
Takes time and effort . We all make mistakes . One cannot shop for answers.one needs live it to know it.
Forgive yourself , forgive others . Sit in silence . Watch the world with your heart,no mind . Good Luck!
LikeLike
I was Cancer ghosted… and yes that is a thing.
People sweep it under the rug or tell me to move on but they are not empathizing with me because they do not want to admit that what happened was wrong… a few know the person who did it and try to make me second guess myself as a result because they don’t want to admit what this person did was awful… it shatters the image they had of them but the fact relentlessly remain the same.
When letting this individual know that my cancer was back they asked “What can I do?” All I asked was for a visit… that was 11 months ago with two other times I asked and nope. A “Christian” that said they loved me and would speak at my funeral who lived less than a block away. A “Christian” who could put up Christmas lights to celebrate the birth of Jesus but could not take 20 minutes to visit a terminally ill friend who lives down the street. A “Christian” who is as sweet as cake but has proven to be fake. A “Christian” who has no empathy or perhaps was operating in jealousy. A “Christian” who I do forgive but still grieve over the loss of someone I once called friend. I am at a complete loss as to why it is rocket science for people to admit that it was the lowest thing a person could do is abandon someone who is terminally ill as it takes strength to do so…
Seeing this “Christians” house down the street from mine prevents me from moving on but eventually I will and will move on from “Friends” that refuse to empathize with how low this was… God give me strength, God give me peace as I understand how you felt when Peter abandoned you it always comes in threes… Just like this I asked 3 times of my “Friend” – Please will you visit, so little to ask so much denied.
I forgive you Carol but you have lost, not that you care at all about it. Forgiveness will eventually fully prevail once I have fully come to terms with this loss and the disregard of empathy from others who would rather not see the truth about who you really are unfortunately. Unlike Peter who wept I know you will not shed one tear. Goodbye
LikeLike
I’ve been a chaser of friends most of my life. I’m tired. Whenever a friend has an issue, something wrong I’m always there to lend a hand and help, listen etc. Recently I moved my 98 year old mother in with me. She wasn’t able to live alone. It’s been difficult but the right thing to do. All of my friends are gone, no reaching out, to talk etc. I’ve learned a major lesson regarding false friends, especially people on Facebook. I’m learning to set boundaries and not communicate with these people like you said. I’ll spend my energy in other areas.
This difficult time taught me a lesson about friends. I gave acquaintances that have done more for me during this time.
LikeLike